January 19, 2006

Brokeback Poutin’:the controversial straight cowboy movie

Let’s face it chaps, it seems that you can’t throw a cow on Beverley Hills without hitting an actor/writer/producer who has/is or will be soon working on a “gay” themed move.

Well now that America is nearly 100% homosexual it does make marketing sense. However this does leave some hold outs, small niche markets of what we in the biz call “Straight City”.

That is: people who by no fault of their own suddenly discover that they are not like the rest of gay America.

They discover that they are attracted to people of the opposite sex. The love that dare not speak its name. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Some scientists have postulated that this is due to a “straight” gene, and that no amount of therapy or sexual re-assignment sessions will get these people to become homosexual.

They could sit all day watching Richard Simmonds videos and Elton John lifestyle shows, and not find a man remotely attractive sexually. Experiments prove this.

This is good news for independent film-makers (like we at Hollycrud) to pitch some smart, sassy, controversial, even profane, arty films that challenge the prevailing Hollywood homosexual orthodoxy. It's called dissent, man.

As such our latest shocking project is “Brokeback Poutin’” - and this really gets in the face of reactionary gay America. All the usual gay Church groups are organizing hate campaigns to get us banned. Shame on you.

We're here. We're straight. And we reject your hate. Get used to it people!!
This is the pitch: Jo and Les are lifelong friends and fellow cowpersons – and both married people with their own families and kids.

Jo is a lesbian married to Matilda, they have three great kids. Les is your typical macho gay. He’s married to Nigel a stay-at-home dad who looks after their twin boys Roebuck and Fred.

On the surface they’re just your average everyday homosexual family. But both protagonists harbor a dark and dirty secret. They have been secretly attracted to members of the opposite sex since adolescence. However peer pressure to conform to societal norms has forced them to repress this “deviant” behaviour.

So while all their gay friends at high school get ready from Prom Night, they preferred to stay at home and dream of a love that could never be accepted.

Cutting to the chase. One dark and stormy night, trapped alone in a pup tent, all their bottled up feelings burst forth in a bubbling cauldron of lust and pent-up emotion.

Imagine the Hoover dam bursting and whole towns destroyed. Finally, Les nails Jo in possibly the most graphic heterosexual sex ever seen on screen.

Hands, tongues and body parts most people didn’t know they possessed are all involved as we celebrate shocking Gay America to its core -- including the movies most controversial scene involving a bucket of milk and a cattle prod.

Now there’s no turning back. They destroy their marriages. Abandon their families. Set up home. And eventually petition the Supreme Court for “Straight” marriage to be legalized in the US.

Is this must-see moo-vie or what?


Blogger ryon said...

heh! how'd ya find my lil oll bloggy, then? hehehe yer pretty outspoken, I like that. the taboo of being gay vs the taboo of not being allowed to rip on 'em? God bless America, I support ignorin' 'em both! Short of physical harm, no one should hafta hold anything back! that's whatthat 1st amendment is all about!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 4:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Outside of the Hollywood circle in which you seem to live, which, by the way, is merely ,01 % of the world population, you would be surprised the bigotry that remains. Your suffering of being straight in Hollywood is much like a white person living in Harlem circa early 1900's and complaining about racism as a hoax and that you suffer from your whiteness. Maybe venture outside of southern CA and see the perspectives of the Midwest, or even better, of the Arab or African countries where admission of gay is basically a death sentence. Then, you sit back and think about a possible rewrite. Hwood is not the center of the universe. Think beyond the boundaries YOU live in before you describe the boundaries I live in.
And since God is another topic about which I could write books, let me simply say: Live long and prosper.

Monday, October 15, 2007 9:22:00 PM  

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